having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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