So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
