The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
