wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
