My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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