I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
