Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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