I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
