Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
