I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
