Don't make out with my wife yet
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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