my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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