The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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