if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
