Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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