We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Randomize
