i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
