Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
