so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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