i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
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