cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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