Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
