he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
