i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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