gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
