i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize