Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
