Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
