my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
