my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Randomize
