Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
this just has baby written all over it
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
