Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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