if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
