Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
