Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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