Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
