you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
