So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize