Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
