Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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