his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
no you cant smoke seaweed
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
