M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
