She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
