I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
