chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
