maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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