I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
