The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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