Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
