I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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