He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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