What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
