So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I've blown a few things in my day
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I still have a little drunk in my system
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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