can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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