fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
