he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
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