he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
third nipple confirmed
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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