No awkward lesbian experiences without me
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize