Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
