hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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