do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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