Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
