Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
