Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
