the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
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