I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize