just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
