There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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